Friday, January 4, 2013

What is Happy?

What is happy?

This may seem like an obvious question, but it is one that is confounding me at the moment.  I cannot seem to "dig deep" right now and figure out what will make me happy.  I know what a lot of loving, caring people think I should do to be happy.  But trying to figure it out for myself - that is a struggle for me.  I can tell you things and people that make me happy, but there is an overall sense of loss and unknown.  A sense of being overwhelmed by "shoulds."

I am depressed.  There, I said it.  It is certainly a difficult thing to admit - especially to myself.  I hold a high standard for myself and lecture myself about all the reasons I should feel fine....blah, blah, blah....the operative word being should.  And I am not lie-around-cannot-get-out-of-bed depressed.  But there is such a disconnect for me right now.  I've had some losses recently that I cannot seem to get past.  Yet there are such potential positives happening as well.  This balance, this struggle. . .feels familiar.

I have had a history of depression.  Not diagnosed, or even, until recently, medicated.  But there are countless times I can recall standing in the shower each the morning saying to myself, "just think of something happy that will happened today.  There has to be one thing."  Or, better yet, making myself smile, because research shows that if your face smiles, the movement of those muscles will trick you into being happy.

And now, I am at a time where I need to figure out important things that will effect my future as well as my family's.  Yet, I cannot connect with what is truly going to make me happy.  It's not for lack of trying...counseling, journaling, etc.  But making a decision based solely on what I want - what I need - I have no idea how to do that.

So, going back to what loving, caring people are telling me - I feel at this point I need to rely on their advice.  Take a leap of faith.  Trust.  Trust . . . and happy will come.


6 comments:

  1. I wish I knew what made people happy. I wish I knew what made ME happy. It feels so frivolous sometimes. Most of the time. We have warm homes and food and families. There's so much to be thankful for. And yet...

    I know you're going to figure this out. Well, mainly because you have to. But you'll find your way of moving through the world. We're on a journey. Best quote I've found lately: "Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of traveling."

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    1. Thanks, friend. I'm glad you are traveling with me...that makes me happy, for sure!

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  2. I'm a friend of World's Wort Moms, and I know she and I both know how you feel, and how it feels to struggle. I've had a rough couple of years myself and am just not beginning to feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Stay strong, even when you feel like you can't. One day it will be better.

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    1. Thank you for that....it is good to know there are others out there staying strong.

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  3. I, too, am here thanks to World's Moms. I'm a veteran of bouts of depression and best advice I can give is: no one can tell you how you SHOULD feel. People grieve for different things and in different ways and for different lengths of time. Depression is the same way--it's so, so individual and it is an illness. Having a good attitude helps, just as it does with the flu, but attitude alone won't cure you anymore than it cures the flu.
    Take care of yourself. I also find that it helps to keep busy, but not so busy you exhaust yourself. Hang in there. God bless.

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  4. There's depression, which from what you write is now being treated. That's a very good thing. Then there's finding out what makes you happy... or as you say, what you alone want and need. Sometimes the scariest part in finding all that out is the prospect of discovering the true unknown: what you don't want and what you don't need, and in turn, learning how much you have said "yes" in honor of the "shoulds," rather than "no" in honor of yourself. Don't be scared. Don't conflate gratitude and happiness. You can have one while seeking the other, always.

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