Monday, August 24, 2009

Not losing my mind

So, we got back from vacationing in Santa Cruz for four days to discover that the hose in the backyard was left on.  We are now probably home to a few dozen frogs and thousands of mosquito larvae, all in the swamp that is our grass.  

Now, it is not unheard of for me to do something like this - especially since I was in charge of getting us all packed up, house closed up, AC off, windows locked, etc.  We were picking up my husband on the way over in Sacramento, where he flew in from a business trip.  But I just know I didn't even go in the backyard the morning we left.  I even specifically thought about giving the garden a bit extra water, but was just too busy.   But, last night at 11:00 p.m. when my husband and I discovered this, I eventually concluded that I must have done it, even though I have no memory of it.  

This conclusion was very disheartening for someone who really tries to be organized and together. In fact, I dare say I pride myself on my organizational skills.  So I've been feeling a bit off this morning, wondering what other bizarre things I have done that I have no earthly memory of.  

After breakfast, my eldest, Queen Bee, went outside to survey our new swamp.  After about 10 minutes she comes in and nonchalantly says, "Oh, mom, I must have left that on when I went out to water your tree before we left."  That's it . . . no drama, just stating the facts.  

So, my sanity is intact for now.  Although 20 minutes ago, upon putting my dad's birthday cake in the oven, I discovered I had forgotten 1 cup of milk (that's a whole lot of liquid!) and ran around frantically taking the pans out, scraping the batter back into the mixer, adding milk, re-greasing and flouring the pans....sigh....  I'll let you know how the cake turns out.  

Friday, August 14, 2009

The new me (ha!)

Word of warning:  if you are feeling down and think that chopping off your hair will make you feel better, DON'T DO IT!  A dear friend of mine told me this, but I didn't listen.  On the way to the grocery store I spontaneously stopped in at Great Clips (have never gotten my hair cut at one of those places) and thought to myself, "how bad could it be?"  Ha!  If you like your head to look like a bell, it's just great.  

Just wish I liked to wear hats.  

On the plus side, my eldest, QueenBee said I looked beautiful and my hair looks like Snow White's (???).  She's also the one that said the housedress I wore while recovering, that belonged my late dear grandmother (picture floor length polyester with a jungle print), was the most beautiful thing ever.  

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Here to make cookies

Tonight, one of my twins, LittleBug, said, "Mommy, it's good you are here."  "Oh, yeah?" I say.  "Yeah, because you can make cookies!"

Yep, can't beat the logic of a 4 year old.  

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Love you all

There is really nothing like seeing friends for the first time since all of this and having each one hug me and say "I'm so glad you are here."  Love you guys....

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

You know you are not well when....

you want to break down crying at the bagel shop because they didn't get your sandwich order right, and you want to start screaming at the top of your lungs, "Damn it, this is the first time I've been out the house since I came home from the hospital after almost dying last Sunday!"  Can you imagine the stunned silence, the murmured apologies. . . the free bagels?

I haven't written in a while.  Now there is almost too much to write. 

First, I couldn't write was because I couldn't think of anything to write about except what was consuming my almost every thought in early July - I was pregnant!  This was not supposed to happen - 3 years ago I was diagnosed with pof (premature ovarian failure - poof - no more babies.)  My doctor seemed to liked to say, upon doing an ultrasound at my many check-ups, "Well, your ovaries are quiet"  (what the hell does that mean anyway??)  Then, wham - almost 3 years exactly since things went wacky down there, I'm pregnant!  And not just pregnant, but already queasy if I didn't eat every 2 hours, therefore already gaining weight.   My husband jokingly called "them" the quads.   After our initial shock, disbelief and crazy, giddy laughter that would strike at odd times, my husband and I were happy.

Until the 6 week ultrasound.  Nothing, nada - no little alien-shaped baby with that tiny fluttery heartbeat.  Have I mentioned that I hate going to this doctor's office?  Three years of "your ovaries are like those of a woman in her mid 50's" and then this??  I know women have miscarriages all the time - the more people I talk to, the more common it seems to be.  But, of course, it isn't usually talked about.  It's not generally accepted to answer a prefunctory, "how are you?"  with "I'm really sad because the baby I couldn't help but think about all the time and who was to be here in March died."  You aren't really supposed to say that.... 

So, grief, sadness. . . then shock.  The next day, an early morning phone call from the doctors office - your hormone levels are too high - we must have missed something.  It must be ectopic.  Ok, ectopic is one of those freaky things in all the baby books we all just read really quickly and think, "holy crap, no way could that happen to me."  And I didn't have any of the other symptoms (aside from no baby in the uterus).  No crampy pain, nothing.  So, another ultrasound, searching, searching.  Nothing, nothing - ok, maybe that's it, but it isn't typical.  Hmmm.... more blood work.  If my levels didn't go down enough, then I had to have surgery in 5 hours.  "Just" laproscopic, small inscisions.  Aaaiigghh!  I have never had any surgery whatsoever....But, then, big relief, my hormone levels went down dramatically.  So, new plan - monitor my blood hormone levels weekly,  call the doctor if I have any pain.  

So, no more freaking out, just back to being sad and moving on with life....

Until last Sunday the ectopic pregnancy ruptured, causing massive internal bleeding.  After a long ambulance ride to the hospital from Lake Tahoe, and a short visit to the ER, I was in surgery for an hour and a half.  I lost almost half my blood (thank you all blood donors) but made it just fine.  Fine being relative - I am here, alive, have a wonderful family, irreplaceable friends and am getting better each day.   I know I am strong and will heal fast.  What would really help is a bagel sandwich . . .