Evidence of Irrational Thinking

"Do I really have to dive in this lake and save my dog?"  "Really?"  There is no response.  Because it is just me who has to decide.  Truly evidence of being on my own.  No one to discuss the situation with - no WWSEAED? (What-would-someone-else-anyone-else-do?)  I have to figure this out...

Picture the duck, quacking, paddling 3 feet in front of Lucky, my puppy, the entire time.  Did he fly away?  No...just stayed in front of the damn dog who just kept following him, deeper and deeper.  A puppy hadn't swam more than 10 feet before this and had now been following the duck for the past 5 minutes.  I kid you not.

The quacking duck.  The now whimpering, paddling dog.  Swimming around in circles in the middle of the lake.  And me on the shore, running along side, calling the dog over and over.  He could not hear me because of the duck.  Who kept quacking.  Three feet in front of the dog.  For the first time in my life I wished I had a gun, to shoot the damn duck.  (Hmmm...this may have been the first evidence of irrational thinking...)

Then, thank god -the duck flew away!  We are saved... "Lucky, come!" I yelled again.  He turned to look my way for the first time in what seemed like 10 minutes --  but didn't seem me!  Started whimpering, yelping.  And swimming AWAY!

Oh my god, I thought.  I am going to stand here and watch my puppy drown.  And if he starts sinking, I won't be able to find him in the muck of bird-god-knows-what in the lake.

So I took off my shoes and socks and dove in the dark mucky lake to save my 6 month old puppy.

Swam full bore at first, but had I mentioned I had been jogging around the lake before this?  Plus the water was cold.  Not freezing, but not swimming pool warm.  Slowed down.  Getting closer.  Keeping an eye on Lucky.  Why is he not getting closer?  Oh my god - that little *%# dog started swimming the other way.  To the other shore. Still yelping.  Clearly doesn't see me.  Now I have to swim across the entire lake and cannot keep my eye on the dog since I am now so tired I am doing back stroke.

Rational thinking coming in now.  I will not drown for my dog.  I will rest now.  The dog is a lab for god sakes - ever heard webbed feet?  This whole business about "oh, my poor puppy" - well, let me tell you when I got to him and got him out of the water - he still wanted to run around.

So maybe I'm doing ok in my life right now....but just ok.  Irrational thinking is evident.  Note to self:  Do not save a lab from a lake full of ducks. He did not need saving.  He was in heaven.

So I am laughing now.  Laughing so hard at the pure ridiculousness of this scene, witnessed by no one.  It is a scene I will never forget - me swimming across the lake behind my lab puppy.  It is good to laugh.  Even at myself.

Color

In my new place, there is a red teapot, multicolored plates and bowls, one wall painted sienna, another wall blue. Wanting to surround myself with color – with life.  It helps.

I’ve lost my best friend.  Not lost, really.  I left.  The hard thing is, I felt like I had no choice but to leave.  A marriage takes more than being best friends.  But to actually make the decision and leave, to decide that we each deserve “more” ….  So sad to see all our future dreams gone, even if we didn’t share those dreams anymore.

Made slightly easier by the fact that I was “doing” – I was the one moving, finding an apartment, scouring Craigslist for bunkbeds.  He was at home, seeing his life dismantled, his wife packing, leaving – having to put a good face on things for the girls. 

Throughout the day, I think about his pain and it stops me cold.  I wonder how he is, but cannot ask.  Space.  Give him space.  

Sip tea in my blue mug…