Friday, January 4, 2013

What is Happy?

What is happy?

This may seem like an obvious question, but it is one that is confounding me at the moment.  I cannot seem to "dig deep" right now and figure out what will make me happy.  I know what a lot of loving, caring people think I should do to be happy.  But trying to figure it out for myself - that is a struggle for me.  I can tell you things and people that make me happy, but there is an overall sense of loss and unknown.  A sense of being overwhelmed by "shoulds."

I am depressed.  There, I said it.  It is certainly a difficult thing to admit - especially to myself.  I hold a high standard for myself and lecture myself about all the reasons I should feel fine....blah, blah, blah....the operative word being should.  And I am not lie-around-cannot-get-out-of-bed depressed.  But there is such a disconnect for me right now.  I've had some losses recently that I cannot seem to get past.  Yet there are such potential positives happening as well.  This balance, this struggle. . .feels familiar.

I have had a history of depression.  Not diagnosed, or even, until recently, medicated.  But there are countless times I can recall standing in the shower each the morning saying to myself, "just think of something happy that will happened today.  There has to be one thing."  Or, better yet, making myself smile, because research shows that if your face smiles, the movement of those muscles will trick you into being happy.

And now, I am at a time where I need to figure out important things that will effect my future as well as my family's.  Yet, I cannot connect with what is truly going to make me happy.  It's not for lack of trying...counseling, journaling, etc.  But making a decision based solely on what I want - what I need - I have no idea how to do that.

So, going back to what loving, caring people are telling me - I feel at this point I need to rely on their advice.  Take a leap of faith.  Trust.  Trust . . . and happy will come.