Good Bye 2013

Good bye 2013 . . . .

You will always have a special place in my heart as a time I took huge steps in my life. Forward and backward - all directions.

In this year, I have known loss as never before.  I have learned more about myself than I thought possible. I am still learning to be gentle to myself and that regret does not get me very far.  That sometimes being lonely and sad is necessary.  As is dancing with wild abandon alone in my apartment.  The good, the bad . . . you know the rest . . .

Good bye 2013.  I will never forget you, but I'm glad you are gone.

Regret

Treading water in a pool of regret...
Not productive, but where I am today,
And the weeks before.

Someone pull the plug
Drain this pool.

I need to walk out,
But don't know how.

The Half-Life of Love

If you build a wall around your love for someone, what is the half-life of love?
When can you take the wall down and not get burned?
What if the wall gets cracked?
How do you protect yourself from the fall out?

Hole

Hole

Dark

In this hole

I dug.

Deeper and deeper.

Why?

Gave up so much.

My own doing,

My own hands. 

Civil War

Civil War

Competing forces

Inside

One to nurture, cocoon myself

One to go crazy and fuck the world.

Balance,

I have not.

Erase

Erase

The plans, the dreams

flit into my mind.

Rub them out --

erase with my finger.

Need an app for that,

for my mind

and heart.

Falling

Falling

Delusion built the walls

Denial, the floor

Flood of reality

No footing

Falling

Liquid suspended

Liquid suspended
 
Inside

Tears run down

Filling me up.

How do I look solid outside,

When I am liquid suspended

Inside?

Blind Verity

Blind Verity

Light shines,

Blinding clarity.

What I cast aside,

So precious.

Verity, could you not see the truth?

The choice to give up, not try.

Praying to idols,

Shiny objects attract.

Blind.

Now through the darkness I see,

Verity,

What I gave up,

I collapse. 

Snap into place ...

Work in progress....don't clear the table.  Leave the puzzle out.  Move around it.  Come at it from another angle.  Maybe different lighting?

The edges are done...the center missing pieces.

Out of desperation, try something new.

Found a good fit.  A match.  Feeling better.... puzzle piece moving into place.  A very satisfying snap.

Still gaps.  Still holes.

But feeling more whole than I have in long while...

Still alive...

...ok, the puppy has not been the death of me.  But lest you think I wasn't writing because nothing had happened.  Think again.

Those of us who are pet owners have different relationships with our pets...mine have always been sort of love/hate relationships.  This week I have both regretted ever bringing Lucky into this crazy family, and felt like he was the only living being I can consistently count on.  Such confusion...

Lucky had his neutering surgery 8 days ago.  The vet said he should keep the "cone of shame" on for 7 days.  So, day 7, I took it off.  Apparently either thinking that it was ok that he licked his wound, because the vet said 7 days, or not realizing that Lucky has a super-strength-lab-tongue.  Within 4 minutes I hear, "Mom, there is red where Lucky is licking!"  Yep, he had licked right through the "glue" they had used and opened his wound.  Trip to the vet, brand new stitches and now he has to wear the cone for 14 days.

So, a coned dog is pathetic and sad.  But also dangerous.  I have bruises all over my calves, the plants are missing copious leaves and the girls' friends are afraid to come over.  Lucky tends to act up with non-family members - his latest move is to jump on the couch, cone first, and then turn around and sit on protesting visitor - all 56 pounds of him.

So of course I want to kill him.

But at night, when I wake up to my arm around him, or my cold feet tucked under him...he is the best thing ever.... I'm lucky to have him.

The death of me...

Ok, this adorable fast growing puppy is going to be the death of me.  I sit here, at 10:30 at night, soaking wet in my pajamas, wrenched back, twisted finger, even my hair is muddy.  Why?  Because my 50 pound crazy ball of love is terrified of sprinklers.

Yep, the pre-bedtime potty, so calm, quiet...peacefully looking up at the stars.  We had ventured into the middle of the front grassy area, on a hill surrounded by trees.  When bam - no warning at all, the sprinklers came on!  First one hit me square in the chest, then Lucky freaked out.  Started trying to pull away from the edge of the grass (there is a theme here), leash wrapped around me.  Wham.  I am on the ground, completely spread out on my back, wondering what happened and then get hit in the face with a sprinkler.

It is really hitting me that this fellow is not so cuddly anymore.  If I don't get some training soon...and dare I say it, a little "snip-snip"... I'm going to end up with a broken arm or something!

Who me?  I'm innocent...

Evidence of Irrational Thinking

"Do I really have to dive in this lake and save my dog?"  "Really?"  There is no response.  Because it is just me who has to decide.  Truly evidence of being on my own.  No one to discuss the situation with - no WWSEAED? (What-would-someone-else-anyone-else-do?)  I have to figure this out...

Picture the duck, quacking, paddling 3 feet in front of Lucky, my puppy, the entire time.  Did he fly away?  No...just stayed in front of the damn dog who just kept following him, deeper and deeper.  A puppy hadn't swam more than 10 feet before this and had now been following the duck for the past 5 minutes.  I kid you not.

The quacking duck.  The now whimpering, paddling dog.  Swimming around in circles in the middle of the lake.  And me on the shore, running along side, calling the dog over and over.  He could not hear me because of the duck.  Who kept quacking.  Three feet in front of the dog.  For the first time in my life I wished I had a gun, to shoot the damn duck.  (Hmmm...this may have been the first evidence of irrational thinking...)

Then, thank god -the duck flew away!  We are saved... "Lucky, come!" I yelled again.  He turned to look my way for the first time in what seemed like 10 minutes --  but didn't seem me!  Started whimpering, yelping.  And swimming AWAY!

Oh my god, I thought.  I am going to stand here and watch my puppy drown.  And if he starts sinking, I won't be able to find him in the muck of bird-god-knows-what in the lake.

So I took off my shoes and socks and dove in the dark mucky lake to save my 6 month old puppy.

Swam full bore at first, but had I mentioned I had been jogging around the lake before this?  Plus the water was cold.  Not freezing, but not swimming pool warm.  Slowed down.  Getting closer.  Keeping an eye on Lucky.  Why is he not getting closer?  Oh my god - that little *%# dog started swimming the other way.  To the other shore. Still yelping.  Clearly doesn't see me.  Now I have to swim across the entire lake and cannot keep my eye on the dog since I am now so tired I am doing back stroke.

Rational thinking coming in now.  I will not drown for my dog.  I will rest now.  The dog is a lab for god sakes - ever heard webbed feet?  This whole business about "oh, my poor puppy" - well, let me tell you when I got to him and got him out of the water - he still wanted to run around.

So maybe I'm doing ok in my life right now....but just ok.  Irrational thinking is evident.  Note to self:  Do not save a lab from a lake full of ducks. He did not need saving.  He was in heaven.

So I am laughing now.  Laughing so hard at the pure ridiculousness of this scene, witnessed by no one.  It is a scene I will never forget - me swimming across the lake behind my lab puppy.  It is good to laugh.  Even at myself.

Color

In my new place, there is a red teapot, multicolored plates and bowls, one wall painted sienna, another wall blue. Wanting to surround myself with color – with life.  It helps.

I’ve lost my best friend.  Not lost, really.  I left.  The hard thing is, I felt like I had no choice but to leave.  A marriage takes more than being best friends.  But to actually make the decision and leave, to decide that we each deserve “more” ….  So sad to see all our future dreams gone, even if we didn’t share those dreams anymore.

Made slightly easier by the fact that I was “doing” – I was the one moving, finding an apartment, scouring Craigslist for bunkbeds.  He was at home, seeing his life dismantled, his wife packing, leaving – having to put a good face on things for the girls. 

Throughout the day, I think about his pain and it stops me cold.  I wonder how he is, but cannot ask.  Space.  Give him space.  

Sip tea in my blue mug…

Friday Fiction - Chance

From her bedroom window, she looks out -- scraggly trees dot the horizon.  She can see the land dip toward the path to the canyon.  The house is quiet.  There is a rustling in the eaves from the dove’s nest.  Yesterday they all climbed a ladder to look at the soft, beautifully pink eggs.  “The palest of pale pink” her daughter had said.  So delicate.  The parents circled close to the ladder, beating their wings in an effort to shoo away the peering eyes. 

She closes her eyes, leaning against the window frame, cherishing the moment – her, the children, her husband.  A moment that felt like a family again.  She had felt a part of something bigger than herself.  A fleeting feeling.  Gone soon after, as they each carried on with their day. 

So much time in her life dedicated to this family – to creating a home full of fun and life.  Not realizing that filling her time with all things family meant she was erasing herself.  She is so good a being a good friend, mom, wife, daughter – you name it.  But what about her? A friend told her recently she needed to figure out what she liked to do.  She has a chance to learn about herself.  What does she like? 

Ugh.  How ridiculous to be 42 and not have a sense of what she wants. 

Pushing away from the window, she bangs down the stairs, drains the cold remains of her coffee and bursts through the back door.  Must get out of here.  The drive to run, flee, is overwhelming at times.  Usually she has to shove it down.  But today, she has no plans, no one needs her.  She can do anything she wants.  So why does she feel so trapped? 

The last time she did something just for herself – something that made her happy – well that kind of blew up.  Maybe less drama, she smiled wryly, remembering.

The bookstore – she loves books – something to lose herself in. Patting her pocket, feeling the lump of her wallet and phone, she strides off with purpose toward the canyon trail, towards town.   

Friday Fiction

The wind rushes over the top of the gorge, overpowering even the bird calls.  Deep inside, silence is marred only by the crunch of gravel under her Keens.  There is no sun down this far and she shivers, at once wishing for a jacket but also relishing feeling cold.  Feeling cold is . . . well, it’s feeling something.  Better than nothing, right?  She sighs, feeling a familiar waive of sadness sweep over her.  Alone time should be helpful, but when she is alone, there is nothing to interrupt her thoughts…questions…longing…

Ow – her toe jammed something hard.  She squints in the dim light and sees an old signpost.  Probably either very old – gold rush days – or from the old tourist trap mining tours set up near by.  No matter to her, so long as she is alone.  In no mood for company today.

Trudging on, the gorge widens and she sees the fork up ahead.  Relief.  The walls were becoming oppressive.  She is much more of a view person – open spaces.  Why the gorge called to her today, she doesn’t know.  But being enveloped by the steep barren walls did seem to bring some comfort for a time.

Up ahead, to the right, the gorge banks steeply down.  She sees the smooth sandy sides and smiles, knowing that what looks like danger levels out to the hidden beach on Red creek.  Farther past the beach is the path to town. Her steps slow, her hand combing through her hair, other arm hugging her body.  Seeming to hold herself together and give strength.

Sighing…she turns left, up a gentle slop - the easy road.  One more turn and their house beckons, comforting lights, laughter coming from inside.  Taking a deep breath, she straightens up, puts on a smile and opens the door.

Happy is as happy does....

So how much truth is there in the theory that if you think positive thoughts and set your mind to something, you can be happy?  Most of the time if works just fine.  Until it doesn't.  But day by day, things seem better.  Except when they don't.

When with the girls and people who care about me - happy.  By myself and not busy - not happy.  So, doing my best to keep busy....work, girls, taking up the violin again, sometimes the piano.  And did I mention the new puppy?  What can bring a smile but puppy kisses?

What is Happy?

What is happy?

This may seem like an obvious question, but it is one that is confounding me at the moment.  I cannot seem to "dig deep" right now and figure out what will make me happy.  I know what a lot of loving, caring people think I should do to be happy.  But trying to figure it out for myself - that is a struggle for me.  I can tell you things and people that make me happy, but there is an overall sense of loss and unknown.  A sense of being overwhelmed by "shoulds."

I am depressed.  There, I said it.  It is certainly a difficult thing to admit - especially to myself.  I hold a high standard for myself and lecture myself about all the reasons I should feel fine....blah, blah, blah....the operative word being should.  And I am not lie-around-cannot-get-out-of-bed depressed.  But there is such a disconnect for me right now.  I've had some losses recently that I cannot seem to get past.  Yet there are such potential positives happening as well.  This balance, this struggle. . .feels familiar.

I have had a history of depression.  Not diagnosed, or even, until recently, medicated.  But there are countless times I can recall standing in the shower each the morning saying to myself, "just think of something happy that will happened today.  There has to be one thing."  Or, better yet, making myself smile, because research shows that if your face smiles, the movement of those muscles will trick you into being happy.

And now, I am at a time where I need to figure out important things that will effect my future as well as my family's.  Yet, I cannot connect with what is truly going to make me happy.  It's not for lack of trying...counseling, journaling, etc.  But making a decision based solely on what I want - what I need - I have no idea how to do that.

So, going back to what loving, caring people are telling me - I feel at this point I need to rely on their advice.  Take a leap of faith.  Trust.  Trust . . . and happy will come.