Friday, July 23, 2010

Emotional Blockage

For over one year, this blog has been a place to share, process things, and tell funny, and some not so funny, stories. Generally such writing and sharing has been fun and cathartic. But now I am stuck. So rather than just be stuck and stare at old entries wondering where my words have gone, I thought I would write about being stuck.

Generally, when I write a blog entry, I've been thinking and processing in my mind and then sit down and write everything just in a couple of minutes. But when I know I should write, that it would help to write, it seems there are no words.

For the past few weeks, I have been having what I call sort-of-PTSD, for lack of a better term. Every time I think about July 26 last year, I feel like I can't breathe, my heart races, I get flushed and my hands feel numb. It goes away after a few seconds. But will it go away after July 26th?

Last year, on July 26th, I almost died. If you review old posts, that was when I had an ectopic pregnancy that ruptured, causing internal bleeding. I bled over 2 liters before emergency surgery. My doctor said another 20 minutes, I may not have made it. 20 minutes. It is unreal to even contemplate that.

So as the anniversary of this event approaches, I am feeling increasingly anxious and have an incredible lack of being able to cope. My facade is cracking. Not that my life isn't great right now, because it is. But my emotions about what happened last year are taking over. It makes me really angry to feel this messed up about something that happened a year ago. Something that I feel like I have been processing well. I feel betrayed by my emotions. I'm not sure how to process them so I am trying my best to keep busy and distracted until after the 26th - lots of movies, book reading and projects around the house. I guess the question is, what happens after the 26th?

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