You know you are not well when....

you want to break down crying at the bagel shop because they didn't get your sandwich order right, and you want to start screaming at the top of your lungs, "Damn it, this is the first time I've been out the house since I came home from the hospital after almost dying last Sunday!"  Can you imagine the stunned silence, the murmured apologies. . . the free bagels?

I haven't written in a while.  Now there is almost too much to write. 

First, I couldn't write was because I couldn't think of anything to write about except what was consuming my almost every thought in early July - I was pregnant!  This was not supposed to happen - 3 years ago I was diagnosed with pof (premature ovarian failure - poof - no more babies.)  My doctor seemed to liked to say, upon doing an ultrasound at my many check-ups, "Well, your ovaries are quiet"  (what the hell does that mean anyway??)  Then, wham - almost 3 years exactly since things went wacky down there, I'm pregnant!  And not just pregnant, but already queasy if I didn't eat every 2 hours, therefore already gaining weight.   My husband jokingly called "them" the quads.   After our initial shock, disbelief and crazy, giddy laughter that would strike at odd times, my husband and I were happy.

Until the 6 week ultrasound.  Nothing, nada - no little alien-shaped baby with that tiny fluttery heartbeat.  Have I mentioned that I hate going to this doctor's office?  Three years of "your ovaries are like those of a woman in her mid 50's" and then this??  I know women have miscarriages all the time - the more people I talk to, the more common it seems to be.  But, of course, it isn't usually talked about.  It's not generally accepted to answer a prefunctory, "how are you?"  with "I'm really sad because the baby I couldn't help but think about all the time and who was to be here in March died."  You aren't really supposed to say that.... 

So, grief, sadness. . . then shock.  The next day, an early morning phone call from the doctors office - your hormone levels are too high - we must have missed something.  It must be ectopic.  Ok, ectopic is one of those freaky things in all the baby books we all just read really quickly and think, "holy crap, no way could that happen to me."  And I didn't have any of the other symptoms (aside from no baby in the uterus).  No crampy pain, nothing.  So, another ultrasound, searching, searching.  Nothing, nothing - ok, maybe that's it, but it isn't typical.  Hmmm.... more blood work.  If my levels didn't go down enough, then I had to have surgery in 5 hours.  "Just" laproscopic, small inscisions.  Aaaiigghh!  I have never had any surgery whatsoever....But, then, big relief, my hormone levels went down dramatically.  So, new plan - monitor my blood hormone levels weekly,  call the doctor if I have any pain.  

So, no more freaking out, just back to being sad and moving on with life....

Until last Sunday the ectopic pregnancy ruptured, causing massive internal bleeding.  After a long ambulance ride to the hospital from Lake Tahoe, and a short visit to the ER, I was in surgery for an hour and a half.  I lost almost half my blood (thank you all blood donors) but made it just fine.  Fine being relative - I am here, alive, have a wonderful family, irreplaceable friends and am getting better each day.   I know I am strong and will heal fast.  What would really help is a bagel sandwich . . .