Balance

I've generally had good balance, although after the twins were born, I feel like my equilibrium is off. To carry this metaphor to it's intended place -- I am now going to embark on the balancing act of a lifetime: going back to work full time after being a stay at home mom. The ultimate high wire balancing act - the stakes are high, the potential for disaster looms, yet so does the chance to soar.

Until I chose to stay home full time after the twins were born, my self-worth was very much tied to my career. Who I was depended on what I did. Even for a time after staying at home, my self-worth was so tied. So much so that it was a very difficult time for me, self-esteem-wise, if I 'd had any time at all to really think about it. Being suddenly cut off from people I had spent 40+ hours a week with was very hard. I found it difficult to know how to make new connections or what to talk about when I did. Once we moved back home to Reno, this transition became much easier. And I was able to develop new things to excel in (one, I hope, being raising three independent minded girls!)

Now I am starting the climb up the long, long ladder to the wire in the sky - a fulfilling career outside the home. I'm still near the bottom, taking one step at a time. The prospects look exciting and scary. I am at once full of anticipation and self-doubt. When I get there, I hope to be able to look straight ahead, embracing change with strength, and not look down with regret and longing for past times.

A working mom: the ultimate high wire balancing act.

New Path

Tomorrow I am going to an all-day training on being a mediator.   Of course, mediation is something I do everyday -- just with smaller people and (sometimes) smaller issues.   So this should be a piece of cake!   

Well, I'm nervous.  I'm nervous about talking to people (can I prevent myself from going on and on about my children?)  I'm nervous about sitting and listening all day (I'm so used to being interrupted every 45 seconds, I think my brain may go on overload if I have to maintain coherent thoughts all day without breaks.)  I'm nervous about being able to absorb new material (yes, it is true I did go to school for 19 years of my life, but in the past year, aside from the stolen time reading novels, true learning only occurred in snippets, here and there.)  And of course, I'm nervous about what to wear -- what do people wear to these sorts of things?   So really, it is embarrassing - things that used to seem second nature to me (getting appropriately dressed, maintaining conversations, etc.) now seem daunting.  

But it is a first step -- a first step out of the house and on a new path.  And I'm sure by tomorrow evening, this will all seem silly and I would have had a fabulous day and be full of life!  But for now, I'm nervous...