Emotional Blockage

For over one year, this blog has been a place to share, process things, and tell funny, and some not so funny, stories. Generally such writing and sharing has been fun and cathartic. But now I am stuck. So rather than just be stuck and stare at old entries wondering where my words have gone, I thought I would write about being stuck.

Generally, when I write a blog entry, I've been thinking and processing in my mind and then sit down and write everything just in a couple of minutes. But when I know I should write, that it would help to write, it seems there are no words.

For the past few weeks, I have been having what I call sort-of-PTSD, for lack of a better term. Every time I think about July 26 last year, I feel like I can't breathe, my heart races, I get flushed and my hands feel numb. It goes away after a few seconds. But will it go away after July 26th?

Last year, on July 26th, I almost died. If you review old posts, that was when I had an ectopic pregnancy that ruptured, causing internal bleeding. I bled over 2 liters before emergency surgery. My doctor said another 20 minutes, I may not have made it. 20 minutes. It is unreal to even contemplate that.

So as the anniversary of this event approaches, I am feeling increasingly anxious and have an incredible lack of being able to cope. My facade is cracking. Not that my life isn't great right now, because it is. But my emotions about what happened last year are taking over. It makes me really angry to feel this messed up about something that happened a year ago. Something that I feel like I have been processing well. I feel betrayed by my emotions. I'm not sure how to process them so I am trying my best to keep busy and distracted until after the 26th - lots of movies, book reading and projects around the house. I guess the question is, what happens after the 26th?

Mind reader

Apparently, I am supposed to be a mind reader.  At one point at dinner, during which everyone else was trying to talk at once, Littlebug screamed at me, "Don't talk while I'm thinking!"  She then ran out of the room sobbing.  

Did I mention that she is 4?

Early Dementia?

So, I'm cooking dinner - following a recipe from my in-laws - and I realized that I don't have 3 things out of the 10 in the recipe.  Not that note-worthy, except that I had read the recipe over at least 2 times, made a grocery list, and went shopping.  And now have no onion, not enough ketchup, and no Worcestershire sauce.  A few substitutions later, we will still have edible sloppy-joes.  But still, it makes me wonder....

This past week we have been looking into buying a new car -- my first brand new car!  We were so close to putting down a deposit to get them to bring in the van in the right color, but there was a feature wrong on the car they had found.  Thank god - because, what I had been hearing as "fully refundable" deposit to see the color, etc., was actually a non-refundable deposit!  At least 3 times I had heard wrong!!  Perhaps it was just wishful thinking, or maybe the salesman had not been totally forthcoming earlier?  But, yikes...make me wonder.... 

Blogging to save my mind

Why should I blog - I'm not even on facebook; I don't text.  Yet, I am compelled to do this.  Why?   I like to say I compose blogs in my head all day, but that doesn't mean anyone should read them.  

One reason to blog is that, as a stay-at-home mom of 3 little girls, I don't get a lot of time for quiet peaceful reflection.  Or just quiet.  Or peace.  So, in theory, by writing my thoughts and ideas, my mind will get used to thinking again.  How many times each week as I make snacks, clean up accidents, and play "fun" let's-clean-up-the-toys-games do I think, "I went to law school for this???"  Of course parenting is very rewarding, blah, blah, blah -- we've all heard it before.  But that is a subject for a later blog (or many later blogs, as I'm sure the case will be).

I did a search on google for the phrase "to blog or not to blog."  It came up with 144,000 entries (in 0.33 seconds - why does google really think it needs to brag about how fast it is?  I mean really, it created a whole new verb.)  So the question of why to put one's self out there for the world to see is not a new one.  But it is a question each of us must ask and answer for ourselves.  For me, I think it is to be more myself.  And, perhaps, to touch someone with a truth seen in the same way.