Falling

Falling

Delusion built the walls

Denial, the floor

Flood of reality

No footing

Falling

Liquid suspended

Liquid suspended
 
Inside

Tears run down

Filling me up.

How do I look solid outside,

When I am liquid suspended

Inside?

Blind Verity

Blind Verity

Light shines,

Blinding clarity.

What I cast aside,

So precious.

Verity, could you not see the truth?

The choice to give up, not try.

Praying to idols,

Shiny objects attract.

Blind.

Now through the darkness I see,

Verity,

What I gave up,

I collapse. 

Snap into place ...

Work in progress....don't clear the table.  Leave the puzzle out.  Move around it.  Come at it from another angle.  Maybe different lighting?

The edges are done...the center missing pieces.

Out of desperation, try something new.

Found a good fit.  A match.  Feeling better.... puzzle piece moving into place.  A very satisfying snap.

Still gaps.  Still holes.

But feeling more whole than I have in long while...

Still alive...

...ok, the puppy has not been the death of me.  But lest you think I wasn't writing because nothing had happened.  Think again.

Those of us who are pet owners have different relationships with our pets...mine have always been sort of love/hate relationships.  This week I have both regretted ever bringing Lucky into this crazy family, and felt like he was the only living being I can consistently count on.  Such confusion...

Lucky had his neutering surgery 8 days ago.  The vet said he should keep the "cone of shame" on for 7 days.  So, day 7, I took it off.  Apparently either thinking that it was ok that he licked his wound, because the vet said 7 days, or not realizing that Lucky has a super-strength-lab-tongue.  Within 4 minutes I hear, "Mom, there is red where Lucky is licking!"  Yep, he had licked right through the "glue" they had used and opened his wound.  Trip to the vet, brand new stitches and now he has to wear the cone for 14 days.

So, a coned dog is pathetic and sad.  But also dangerous.  I have bruises all over my calves, the plants are missing copious leaves and the girls' friends are afraid to come over.  Lucky tends to act up with non-family members - his latest move is to jump on the couch, cone first, and then turn around and sit on protesting visitor - all 56 pounds of him.

So of course I want to kill him.

But at night, when I wake up to my arm around him, or my cold feet tucked under him...he is the best thing ever.... I'm lucky to have him.

The death of me...

Ok, this adorable fast growing puppy is going to be the death of me.  I sit here, at 10:30 at night, soaking wet in my pajamas, wrenched back, twisted finger, even my hair is muddy.  Why?  Because my 50 pound crazy ball of love is terrified of sprinklers.

Yep, the pre-bedtime potty, so calm, quiet...peacefully looking up at the stars.  We had ventured into the middle of the front grassy area, on a hill surrounded by trees.  When bam - no warning at all, the sprinklers came on!  First one hit me square in the chest, then Lucky freaked out.  Started trying to pull away from the edge of the grass (there is a theme here), leash wrapped around me.  Wham.  I am on the ground, completely spread out on my back, wondering what happened and then get hit in the face with a sprinkler.

It is really hitting me that this fellow is not so cuddly anymore.  If I don't get some training soon...and dare I say it, a little "snip-snip"... I'm going to end up with a broken arm or something!

Who me?  I'm innocent...

Evidence of Irrational Thinking

"Do I really have to dive in this lake and save my dog?"  "Really?"  There is no response.  Because it is just me who has to decide.  Truly evidence of being on my own.  No one to discuss the situation with - no WWSEAED? (What-would-someone-else-anyone-else-do?)  I have to figure this out...

Picture the duck, quacking, paddling 3 feet in front of Lucky, my puppy, the entire time.  Did he fly away?  No...just stayed in front of the damn dog who just kept following him, deeper and deeper.  A puppy hadn't swam more than 10 feet before this and had now been following the duck for the past 5 minutes.  I kid you not.

The quacking duck.  The now whimpering, paddling dog.  Swimming around in circles in the middle of the lake.  And me on the shore, running along side, calling the dog over and over.  He could not hear me because of the duck.  Who kept quacking.  Three feet in front of the dog.  For the first time in my life I wished I had a gun, to shoot the damn duck.  (Hmmm...this may have been the first evidence of irrational thinking...)

Then, thank god -the duck flew away!  We are saved... "Lucky, come!" I yelled again.  He turned to look my way for the first time in what seemed like 10 minutes --  but didn't seem me!  Started whimpering, yelping.  And swimming AWAY!

Oh my god, I thought.  I am going to stand here and watch my puppy drown.  And if he starts sinking, I won't be able to find him in the muck of bird-god-knows-what in the lake.

So I took off my shoes and socks and dove in the dark mucky lake to save my 6 month old puppy.

Swam full bore at first, but had I mentioned I had been jogging around the lake before this?  Plus the water was cold.  Not freezing, but not swimming pool warm.  Slowed down.  Getting closer.  Keeping an eye on Lucky.  Why is he not getting closer?  Oh my god - that little *%# dog started swimming the other way.  To the other shore. Still yelping.  Clearly doesn't see me.  Now I have to swim across the entire lake and cannot keep my eye on the dog since I am now so tired I am doing back stroke.

Rational thinking coming in now.  I will not drown for my dog.  I will rest now.  The dog is a lab for god sakes - ever heard webbed feet?  This whole business about "oh, my poor puppy" - well, let me tell you when I got to him and got him out of the water - he still wanted to run around.

So maybe I'm doing ok in my life right now....but just ok.  Irrational thinking is evident.  Note to self:  Do not save a lab from a lake full of ducks. He did not need saving.  He was in heaven.

So I am laughing now.  Laughing so hard at the pure ridiculousness of this scene, witnessed by no one.  It is a scene I will never forget - me swimming across the lake behind my lab puppy.  It is good to laugh.  Even at myself.