What is Happy?

What is happy?

This may seem like an obvious question, but it is one that is confounding me at the moment.  I cannot seem to "dig deep" right now and figure out what will make me happy.  I know what a lot of loving, caring people think I should do to be happy.  But trying to figure it out for myself - that is a struggle for me.  I can tell you things and people that make me happy, but there is an overall sense of loss and unknown.  A sense of being overwhelmed by "shoulds."

I am depressed.  There, I said it.  It is certainly a difficult thing to admit - especially to myself.  I hold a high standard for myself and lecture myself about all the reasons I should feel fine....blah, blah, blah....the operative word being should.  And I am not lie-around-cannot-get-out-of-bed depressed.  But there is such a disconnect for me right now.  I've had some losses recently that I cannot seem to get past.  Yet there are such potential positives happening as well.  This balance, this struggle. . .feels familiar.

I have had a history of depression.  Not diagnosed, or even, until recently, medicated.  But there are countless times I can recall standing in the shower each the morning saying to myself, "just think of something happy that will happened today.  There has to be one thing."  Or, better yet, making myself smile, because research shows that if your face smiles, the movement of those muscles will trick you into being happy.

And now, I am at a time where I need to figure out important things that will effect my future as well as my family's.  Yet, I cannot connect with what is truly going to make me happy.  It's not for lack of trying...counseling, journaling, etc.  But making a decision based solely on what I want - what I need - I have no idea how to do that.

So, going back to what loving, caring people are telling me - I feel at this point I need to rely on their advice.  Take a leap of faith.  Trust.  Trust . . . and happy will come.

If Snow White and Prince Charming Cheat, is it ok?

So, I'm a bit behind the times since I watch t.v. on Netflicks now.  My eldest daughter (9 1/2) and I have been watching "Once Upon A Time."

Basically, if you haven't seen it, the premise is that all the fairy tale characters have been cursed to live in our world, in a town called Storybrook, Maine, and they have no memory of their real (fairy tale) lives.  Instead, they have fuzzy memories of another life, all concocted by the Evil Queen, who orchestrated this entire curse to punish them all.  The  legend (known only by a little boy) is that Snow White and Prince Charming's daughter, on her 28th birthday, will come to the town and free them all.  As you can expect, the boy is in psychotherapy.  With Jimminy Cricket.  Who doesn't know that is who he is.  

It sounds crazy, but it's actually pretty cool.  And the story line going back and forth from the truth (fairy tale land) and our world is entertaining.  Really, I could go on.  But what is creating some interesting conversations between my nine year old andI has to do with the concocted memories.

You see, the Evil Queen must do all she can to keep Snow White and Prince Charming apart (I guess there will be a cosmic rift in her evil plan if they realize their love for each other).  So, Prince Charming's "fake" memories are that he is married - to someone else.  Who loves him (she has more of those "fake" memories).  The thing is, the connection between Snow and Charming is so strong, they can still feel the love.  Hence begins the questions from my 9 year old...  "Mom, why is it bad that Snow and Prince Charming just kissed?"  "Because he is married to someone else."  "Is it a crime to kiss someone else when you are married?"  "Not a crime, but it is a breaking of your marriage vows - your promises." "But Charming loves Snow."  "Yes, but he is married."  "But not really."  "Well, he thinks he is..."  Seriously....

I mean, of course we all want to defeat the Evil Queen's horrible curse, support 'true love' and all that...but really?

Hanging out the ol' shingle...

Yep - hanging out the shingle.  Striking out on my own.  Making a go of it.

For a public interest lawyer - always worked for one government entity or another - the idea of creating my own private practice is both exciting and terrifying.

Exciting when I think of the work I want to do - to quote my daughters "my mommy helps people get along who can't get along."

Terrifying when I think of navigating the world of limited liability companies, business taxes, special business bank accounts.  Billing.  Did I mention I have always been in public service?

I am, however, motivated, excited about the possibilities, and being encouraged at every turn by colleagues, friends and family.

So here goes!

Transition . . .

From World English Dictionary

transition  (trænˈzɪʃən)
— n
1.	change or passage from one state or stage to another
2.	the period of time during which something changes  from one state or stage to another ... both a change and a period of time... More later.

So where are the holes.....

Binders full of women...how do they keep them in?  Are they 3-ring-binders?  Where are the holes? Ouch...
(ok, so many places I could go with this....I'll leave the rest to Comedy Central).

Score One for Healthy Skin

"Mom, how do I get this color off my legs?" said LittleBug, who has spent most the summer outside at various camps.
"They're tan.  That's what happens when you are out in the sun."
"But how do I get it off?"
"It's part of your skin - the sun changes the pigment of your skin.  It will slowly wear off."
"Oh, so by the time we ski, my skin will be normal again?  Good."

Pet Heaven?

Recently, our older dog, Kaela, died.  It was hard on all of us.  For the girls, it was really the first death they have had to deal with.  We had a couple of fish that died, but given they were left-over snake food that just kept living, it was hard to get worked up about them.

Comforting children after a pet dies is hard.  I know learning to grieve is a part of life and tried my best to teach the girls how to deal with a loss.  I talked about how we will have our memories of Kaela and that we will always hold her in our hearts.

During all of this, I kept thinking it would have made it all so much easier if I could have just said to them, "Well, honey, Kaela is in Heaven now, looking down on us, playing with her tennis balls and chasing lizards."  How comforting that would have been to believe that -- to not really have to say good-bye, but just see-you-later.

But I didn't and can't say that because I don't believe it.  To me, that is a cop-out -- a made up construct to make us feel better as opposed to dealing with feelings.   The girls know how I feel; and we have told them about lots of perspectives and beliefs.  We have had many discussions about what different people believe and how religion is practiced around the world.  I've come to realize, however, that my discussions may not have been so high-brow and open minded as I thought.  In trying to present all sides, I have most certainly presented my view.  And it turns out, I have begun to alienate the girls, or at  a minimum, made God and religion topics you do not talk to Mommy about.

My husband told me of a recent conversation he had with LittleBug, one of our 7 year olds.  Turns out she is one deep thinker.  She was asking him if we hadn't had her, would she exist? (I know, seriously deep).  My husband talked to her about souls and various beliefs.  This led to a discussion about animals having souls and finally to God.  After a pause, LittleBug said, "Well, I know there is a God, Dad."  "How do you know this?"  "Because I think of Kaela throughout the day and who else but God would put thoughts of her in my head?"  (Yes, she really talks like that.)

So now my question is, where is the balance between teaching our beliefs to our child, but wanting her to share if her beliefs differ?  More deep thoughts . . . .